† a free writing †

free writing. walang pause. walang edit. walang utak na ginamit. this is what i feel ryt now. without fancy words, without inhibitions.

time started- 3:27 pm

nalulungkot ako. hindi ko alam kung bakit? ewan ko ba, naiinis ako na nalulungkot na sa totoo lang e wala naman talaga akong nararamdaman. i'm as empty as the sahara dessert. may tutubong cactus, magkakabuhay, magkakaflower, tapos mamamatay. naghahanap ako ng oasis pero wala akong makita. i'm all dried up. i'm so empty. why can't someone fill me up? and be the snow in my sahara. the kind which is perpetual and never ending. i'm so tired of waiting. i don't even know if there's something that i'm waiting for or it's that something which is waiting for me. i'm like a sad smiley. sa pangalan lng smiley, pero sa totoo lang e malungkot. bakit ako ganito ngaun? hindi naman ako ganito dati. naiinis ako. nami-miss ko na ung dating ako. ung ako na nagmo-mall mag-isa ng masaya. ung ako na nakakalakad ng walang kasama pero ok lang sakin. ung ako na walang pakelam sa mundo. ung ako na bihirang malungkot. ung ako na bihirang mag-isip. ung ako na lakad lang ng lakad at kadalasang nauuna sa mga kasabayan ko. i miss the old me. at anu tawag dito? bakit ako nagdradrama? wahekhek... maderpaker talaga. shet... magpapakamatay na ba ako after this? this seems like a suicide note for me. basta. this only boils down to one thing. nalulungkot ako. pero ano nga kaya ang dahilan? hindi ko alam. lahat ng nararamdaman ko ngayon umiikot sa salitang "cguro". cguro kasi mahal na mahal and when i say mahal it means "mahal" ko pa c yoh and i'm unrequited. cguro kasi hindi ko sya napasaya and i feel bad kasi nasayang lang ung oras nya saken. cguro kasi my confidence and faith was crushed and was buried 6 feet under. cguro kasi wala akong mapagsabihan. cguro kasi alam kong walang makaka-intindi sakin. gosh.. paalam.. premonition na yata ito na mamatay na ako? dba mga naa-aksidente nag-gaganito muna of some sort... nakakainis talaga. naawa ako sa sarili ko dahil ngayon ko nari-realize na maraming kulang sakin. sobrang dami na walang makakadama ng existence ko kahit mawala ako. i used to think i could create a butterfly effect*, pero tingin ko i don't even amount to a single flap of a butterfly's wings. i'm a trash. i'm no one. i'm not anything special. i'm not different either. i don't want to be different and i hate those people who flaunt that they are different and because of that they're astig and us common people are "kawawa". real shit. plastic. i'm just me. and i'm sorry for being me. i met someone i thought was perfect for me, loved in a perfect way, loved in a perfect time... but now we're perfect strangers. because to him i'm not perfect. and i wasn't being close to being one. but why does everything that ends has to start if it will eventually die?

*butterfly effect - a belief that "a single flap of a butterfly's wings would be enough to create a hurricane to the other side of the earth". it's like a "one thing leads to another thing". a theory that evrything is interrelated so if u change a small detail it will leave a big impact after a period of time.

time finished- 3:38pm

please bear with me. i hate drama queens and kings. i guess i'm one of them now. i belong.