† gone †

Sorry if it took me some time to think-over the things that I told you a couple of hours ago. I guess love really makes people dumb… and I’ve been dumb for two months.

I know I cannot make you happy. I mean, I can but I ‘m afraid I can’t sustain the happiness you need for too long. Everything I can give you is limited, considering the kind of relationship that we’re in. I know one day you’ll wake up thinking that you wanted more, more than I could give, more than I could offer, more than I could handle, in a life that I can’t live. Do you remember the time when I told you that if ever I realized that I love you intensely, I would let go of you while I’m still able to? I’m so sorry but I think that realization came to me now. It’s sad to accept but I can feel that sooner or later, this letter would materialize either from me or from you and it’s better to do it now while I still have more nice thoughts of you rather than the not-so-nice ones.

Within a short span of two months, you have made me feel special which no one outside of my bloodline have ever done. When I’m with you I feel so secured, like there’s no existing death, time, or even deadlines at school. You are the first major decision in my life I stood up with. You’ve made every wrong decision I took in the past worthwhile because I couldn’t have met you if I took the right ones. I know it wouldn’t be easy to forget you even if I already have a family of my own, more so if I don’t. You’re the other missing half that made me whole.

I hope you won’t think I’m selfish because of this and I want you to fully understand that this was more of for you than for me. Please make things easier for us and if you do, I’ll be assuming that someday. Someplace, we’ll meet again and you’ll greet me with the “right one” by your side while saying “thanks” in the back of your head.

As for me, I’d still be wishing to be someone’s “right one” and if life won’t permit me to, I’ll be contented with the thought that one time; I met someone on earth who made it all worth it.

***
"A bird may love a fish... but where would they live?"
-Ever After (starring Drew Barrymore)

"Would the bird clip it's wings?"
"Would the fish risk it's fins?"

Simply, love can't change everything...

† i'm 18 †

birthday ko ngayon. so what? wala lang. masaya pero hindi nagagalak. happy pero hindi glad. ehehehe.. di ko nga alam kung bakit e.. ano plano ko? shempre i will share it with the ones i love. pagkagising ko excited na akong tumingin sa salamin. wow! wala akong muta!! cguro nga ito ang sign na 18 na talaga ako.. sheez! kaya ayun.. nagmamadali akong naligo to fix myself for a new day.

grabe. late ako sa economics. ako pa naman ang magpapa quiz. ta's si sir dimalanta di dumating sa developmental reading. paker talaga!! nasayang lang ang oras ko. pero di ako magagalit. birthday ko kasi. actually nagtaka nga mama ko kasi di ako nagalit nung 500php lng binigay nya sakin na panlakwatsa for the day. i dont need much naman talaga. saka love ko mama ko. and i know malaki rin naman nagastos nila nung fiesta. ayun. saka wala naman talaga me plano na special. di naman kasi ako special e. onte lang nga nag-greet sakin through the day.

so ayun.. after my class e umalis na kami ni ***. he asked me where i want to go. i said wala akong pera so he can take me where his money could lead us to. but of course i was joking. we went to the mall. sm manila in particular. it was also our second monthsary, if there is such a word. i was half happy then. only to find the reason why i am/should be later that day. we talked about many things, some concerning us and some not concerning us while making up our minds which movie to watch. we decided to eat at kfc coz we're both hungry.

after eating at kfc, and watching "the national treasure" at the movies together, we decided to go home. while at the mall, walking our way out, i asked him if he loves me. he said yes. i was expecting the answer anyways, so i shrugged it off. then, on the way home, i asked him a different question, a question harder than the first one i asked.

"are you sure you love me? don't you think i'm just a diversion?"

"define diversion."

"diversion. hmn.. maybe you dont really love me. maybe you just need me because there's no one around, or you haven't found the right person for you, or maybe subconsciously you really like ????? and that you're frustrated because she's in love with someone else and you're just waiting for her to like you. and even if you don't like her, maybe you're still looking for someone else. and it would be convenient to have me around dba?"

"cguro nga.."

"cguro nga? that's all you can say? hmn.. bahala ka.. ey, one more thing; when you first said you love me, are you really sure you meant it?"

"i don't know. i'm still confused."

"you kept on asking me for a month to try a relationship with you. do you think, i was just playin hard to get for the whole time? i didn't. i was thinking if i'm the one you really need. i was thinking if it would be good for the both of us if i answer yes. i was thinking if i wouldn't be corrupting your mind if i do say yes."

"sorry but i'm still unsure."

"cge na uuwi na ako. bye... ingat ka."

"ingat ka. happy birthday."

i went home.. when everyone's asleep, i wrote something. i was really having a hard time writing because tears are forming behind my eyes, but i supressed it. i just hope i'm doing the right thing. It's my birthday anyways...

† reasons †

I've always thought of myself as a strong person. I mean, I don't cry a lot and I'm proud of it. I can control my anger, and bottle up my feelings until I can shrug it off. I can always put up a smile even when I don't feel like it and I can easily laugh when I'm stuck in any uneasy situations. But I guess even steels rust, and that goes the same for me. I guess I'm not as confident as I think before about myself. Especially now when I have many things to rave about. Since I've been commited?.. and I found out it's not really all flowers and butterflies, or heaven and the stars, or sunset at the ocean. Sometimes, commitment can be a swarm of flies, or an unflushed toilet, or the polluted Manila skies. *sigh* eh sa ganun talaga.. I guess it's really that way, or meant to be that way. Particulary in the kind of relationship that I am in. I do expect more bullsh*ts than ice creams. That's why I'm fixing this blog. At least I can have a hideaway, or an outlet for my overwhelming feelings, or when I'm feeling insecured/jealous and I feel like cursing people. Feel free to check out my mga panlalait here oki?

Another thing, it's a new year. 2005. I'll be turning 18 this January 18, and if my laziness doesn't get into my nerves, this can be something I could look back to about five years from now. I usually laugh at my past u know? eheheh.. I also don't want my "writings" (short for -pieces of crap) left unseen by those people I want to be seeing it. Flattery easily sinks into my head so I guess it was more of a help for me if people say nice things about me rather than critique my writing skills.

Lastly, I want this blog to be a fragment of someone, like a reminder ya know? Look at Adam, Maroon5's vocalist. He did a lot of nice songs and compiled it into an album entitled "Songs About Jane". Who knows? This blog might be a source of songlyrics after me and my other half breaks-up. Or maybe not. wahehehe.. nice way of thinking nielz.. Ü