Nakanantuts™

† last pages †

2005-10-14T16:17:00.000+08:00

if you want to know how someone is like, and if that someone had a notebook he writes on, why don't you try looking at the back pages of his notebook? for sure you will find a fragment of himself.

i have learned since my elementary days, that the notebooks' backpages are like the backdoor to most of my classmates' souls. it's where they unconsciously write their hidden desires, thoughts or even anything that doesn't need to be pondered upon. they write on it without inhibitions, as if their hands are in control of their brain. i have always been more fascinated with reading the last pages first before the real content of any notebook. it's like, fishing in an open sea, you think you do but you have no idea on what you'll get.

i usually hunt these back pages when i'm in a stalker mode. like when i'm into someone and i want to know stuffs, impersonal or personal ones. or if there's a notebook and the owner is nowhere in sight... i might as well look around.

i have seen many stuffs written on these clandestine pages, 90% of them trash. the predictable ones are unsent letters (perhaps just to lighten their heavy chest), caricatures of teachers and classmates, anime drawings, random words (cue words for homeworks left undone), curses such as "pak yu ka ma'am!", "amoy sibuyas seatmate ko" or "i wanna go home", doodles and chicken scratches (to see if their pen is still has ink), "lyrics" and (the most frequent) a "name"; written in all caps, in bold, and adorned with decorations or written in different font styles.

through this process of exploration, you'll get to know bits of information. useless ones i'm telling you. unless it intrigues you enough to seek other notes from the same source. you'll get to discover whom your weird classmate is crushing on, your classmates' most-hated teacher, your classmates' hidden obssessive compulsiveness.

i have two pages in my notebook with my name written on it a thousand times; my seatmate - Chot, asked me if i take illegal drugs. 'til now i still write my name on it just to see how ugly my hand-writing is.

just don't seek things you don't really want to know, sometimes it's better to know nothing. though i don't agree that what you don't know won't hurt you, i believe that what you know could hurt you more.

† somewhere only we know †

2005-10-08T20:48:00.000+08:00

natatandaan mo pa ba noong una tayong nagkita?

naglalakad-lakad ako sa Payon noon, naghahanap ng kakilala tapos nakita kita. hindi ko maipaliwanag pero parang kinilig ako ng konte nun. mukha kang walang alam sa mundo at gaya ko, tingin ko may hinihintay ka din. naalala ko tuloy noong unang subok ko, wala akong kasama. hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko. wala akong gamit. poring lang hindi ko pa mapatay… pero kahit mahirap, naging rogue din ako.

ngumiti ka saken, tapos ngumiti din ako sayo. tinanong ko pangalan mo, at ayun, nagpakilala rin ako sayo. sabi ko sayo ayoko ng buhok mo, sabi ko palitan mo muna tapos bumalik ka agad saken. sabi ko gusto ko kung hindi white, yellow para astig. at nakakatuwa, kasi sinunod mo nga, pinalitan mo nga ng yellow ung kulay ng buhok mo.

tapos ayun, nagkwentuhan na tayo. tinanong kita kung anong gusto mong mangyari sa buhay mo. sabi mo gusto mong pumana ng pumana. so sabi ko mag archer ka na lang… at naghanap na tayo ng requirements mo para mapasok ka na sa Payon’s school of archery.

tinawag ko si jellai para matulungan niya tayo. bale ako ang unang nanghahampas ng mga halimaw, tapos ikaw na ang pumapatay. mas gusto ko kasing mapadali kaya humingi na ako ng tulong. si jellai ang laging gumagamot ng sugat mo. so far, okay naman. sa loob ng isang araw tinanggap ka na sa archer’s guild. archer ka na agad. hanep, ang galing mo na pumana. minsan nagugulat na lang ako nawawala ka, un pala kung anu-ano na pinapana mo… nakakatuwa ka nga e.

tapos, ang susunod na hakbang eh ang pagbili ng mga bagong pana, shempre, habang gumagaling ka, kelangan mo rin ng mas maganda at mas malakas na pana. kaya ayun, ako ang bumili ng unang pana mo. saya ko nga nun e, kasi alam ko napasaya kita. binili na rin kita ng mga palaso, at mga gamot para makapag-lagalag ka sa mundo kahit wala ako.

araw-araw lagi tayong masaya… sa gubat… sa pyramids… sa disyerto… sa kung saan-saan. patay lang tayo ng patay ng halimaw. minsan pinapagalitan kita pag lumalayo ka saken, kasi ayoko pag namamatay ka. nga pala, eh ung first kiss mo saken naalala mo pa ba? kung hindi mo na naaalala, sa payon un. sa may gubat ng mga kawayan.

tapos… tapos… niyaya kitang magpakasal. ewan ko ba, basta gusto ko lang. pumayag ka naman. pero hindi pa pwede kasi kailangan mag-hunter ka muna bago tayo magpakasal, at kelangan din ng 2 milyon at 2 diamond ring. hindi naman ako ganun kayaman… pero pinag-iipunan ko na yun.

pero gaya ng ibang promises, hindi na yata matutuloy ung kasal naten… kasi… kasi… basta… ewan ko nalimutan mo na rin cguro. ü

…so why don`t we go? somewhere only we know…

† chronic nail-biting †

2005-10-07T21:50:00.000+08:00

"Anniel, bakit ganyan ung kuko mo? pudpod!" -JM (classmate)

"ba't parang di ko yata nakikitang humahaba ung kuko mo?" -Jellai

"ampangit ng kuko mo!" -Dino

"tigilan mo na yan, wala ka nang kuko.." -Annie (mama ko ü)

here i am, with my fingernails ugly and all, hence i was called pudpod.

i wish i can avoid my chronic nail-biting. it makes me ugly, and it's so not-cute. i do it anywhere i possibly can; jeepneys, bus, classroom, while walking, sitting on the couch watching t.v, before i sleep, and often when i feel restless or nervous. i'm always fidgety with my hands, i don't know what's wrong with me. i asked my Psychology teacher what it meant, and he said it's a manifestation of insecurity. then i remembered Erik Erickson's theory of human development. there are eight stages of human development, each focusing on a different conflict that we need to solve in order to develop successfully into the next stage of our lives. the idea is that if we don’t resolve each stage or we choose the wrong of two choices, our ability to deal with the consecutive stages is impaired and the failure will return to us at some point later in life.

one of these stages has something to do with acquiring pleasure thru the mouth; the stage called oral sensory stage which occurs 12-18 months after birth. this stage is when a baby finds gratification by playing with his mouth, this explains why babies loves to thumb-suck and put little toys in their mouth. haven’t you asked yourself why? this is the first stage of Erik Erickson's theory.

i don't know what happened way back when i was a baby, maybe my bottle-feeding was suddenly discontinued hence my oral sensory stage was not satiated. but as far as i can remember, i've been nail-biting since my elementary days. then it stopped in highschool, and came back when i was a college freshman. i don't think it's unhealthy, i think it even boosts my immunity cause when i bite my nails i tend to put tons of bacteria in my mouth, which makes me immune to diseases. haha! joke! it's just that, being skittish with my nails at this age is not appropriate for me.

oh well, maybe i'm just plain insecure. ü

† paperworks and tests! †

2005-10-06T20:11:00.000+08:00

the finals week is fast approaching and still i have a lot of things to accomplish. after finishing two reaction papers in a span of three days, having 24 pages all in all, and passing it to dr. Gil, my academic life is still in misery with paperworks for dr. Hicarte.

first, i have to submit written reports about the "Different Aspects and Institutions of Rural Societies" and "Socio-Cultural Change" in my Rural and Urban Sociology class. it's freaking hard to do because i have to really type it manually, i can't find anything on the net about such topics in the Philippine setting so i guess i have no other option but to rely on the book which was overly used. and patience was never really one of my best attributes so i'm still finding an easier way out of this paperworks.

second thing, is about our case study, good thing i'm with gian and jellai, so i guess i'm in good hands, i mean, they're not the type to leave me alone with this kind of intensive research. take a guess on what our case study is about? it's entitled "Ang Pinagmulan ng mga Taong Naninirahan sa Tulay ng Delpan". Delpan is situated in Tondo where notorious people, (some of them pickpocketers) like me dwell. jellai thought about this one, and we think it's cool, we really wanted to do this on our own so at least we could learn something new and not just plagiarize others' paperworks. also, we would like to enhance our skill with regards to dealing with different kinds of people, i even thought of giving three packs of lucky me pancit canton for every family that we will survey and interview. and the minimum number of families that we're talking here is around ten. pretty challenging huh? i wish the people there are welcoming enough.

then finals week, ahh! i'm freaking apprehensive about what will happen in my World Geography subject. okay, so of course it's World Geography so the test will definitely have something to do with map reading, worse - map memorization, worst - world map memorization! so here's the picture, there will be a blank map of the world, and we're going to fill it in with names of different countries and water forms, i think the only continent that i knew well aside from Asia is South America. i'm having a hard time with Africa coz the countries there have weird names. i'm also a bit jittery knowing that every country has a corresponding capital wherein i'm not really good at. having a photographic memory is not one of the nice things i'm known for.

pls. pray for me. i feel like eating fire instead of taking the World Geography test.

† bestprends †

2005-10-03T20:01:00.000+08:00

from the title itself, i know u have a gist on what i will type on this freaking page. the following pictures you will see is those of my bestfriends, inah, dino and my chews. i have other bestfriends too, but they are the ones who knew me best, as far as closeness is concerned. though i love all my friends with the same respect, these three are the most special. they bring out the best in me, as well as the worst, haha! they've seen me in my most precious moments and in my humiliating ones. i decided to write about them, cause it's been sometime since i've told them how much i appreciate them in my own little way. so here they are. my bestfriends...

Katrina Talusan aka. inah

si inah, well, she's sweet, she really is. ganda niya no? she gives me a lot of hugs, since bihira na nga kami magkita, mas madalas pa ata rainfall sa Sahara kesa sa meet-ups namen. once every two months na lang kami magkita, but i'm happy kasi eventhough we seldom see each other, i know without a doubt she's still my bestfriend. i've learned a lot from her. humanga ako sa kanya nung narinig ko nung sinabi nya na "lahat ng nanay maganda.". it's a simple sentence (may subject at predicate), pero iba ung dating nung siya ung nagsabi. siya rin ung friend ko na nagshave ng "baby bangs" ko sa C.R. nila, and mind you, his father was very authoritative. kinakabahan nga ako kasi baka mamaya biglang dumating ung papa niya kung ano pa isipin nun sa ginagawa namen. while shaving my baby bangs, she was wearing a baseball cap, wala lang, natuwa ako sa kanya, ang kyot nya kasi nun e. siya rin ung kasa-kasama ko sa pang-i-stalk sa crushes ko. nyahaha! along with dino. si inah, driven din yan sa lahat ng goals nya. at nga pala, she will be a future dentist. third year na siya sa CEU with dentistry as her course. waw. sa kanya kami ni jelai magpapa-braces!

Divino Carlo Disameto aka. dino

if inah was sweet with me, dino would be as bitter as an unsweetened coffee. lagi kami nag aaway nyan, but a day never passes na magkagalit pa rin kami. we've managed to respect our individual differences despite the fact that we're bestfriends for five years now. sweet din naman siya saken paminsan, he buys me gifts pag birthday ko. minsan kahit walang okasyon basta feel niya lang akong bilhan ng small stuffs, and i'm thankful for those things. i used to be insecure with him nung first half nung highschool, kasi naman lagi kong classmate yan, seatmate, and shempre, comparison between us were inevitable. though mas magaling siya saken sa Math, and i guess i'm better in English, the usual, if i get the positive adjectives, they would give dino the same thing plus the word "more" before the adjective. ikaw ba naman magkaron ng bestfriend na ganyan ka-gwapo di ka ba mai-insecure? alam mo how we managed to surpass my insecurity? ayun, tinawag niya akong inggitero. tapos un, narealize ko ma-kyot din naman ako. mas kyot nga lang siya. at happy ako para sa kanya. may quote din akong nakuha kay dino, he told me, "ang tundo ay isang malaking basurahan". you see, with dino i've learned to assert myself more, to do things that make me happy in spite of what other people think or say. of all people, i'm most honest to dino with the way i feel about things, cause i know he'll understand. saka basta, he could be a menace to other people but to me he'll always be an angel.

Angeli Urbano aka. jellai or chews

to be continued... inaantok na ako e... wala akong prend na panget. lahat magaganda at gwapo. i'm blessed. hahaha! nababaliw na ako. tulog na muna aku.

† anger management †

2005-10-02T17:55:00.000+08:00

a friend once told me, whenever you feel anger, or you feel outraged about a sticky situation or with someone, stop and contemplate about things. wait after 15 minutes, and then just move on with it.

in a lot of ways, my classmate is correct. kasi, pag lumagpas na sa 15 minutes ang outrage ng isang tao, ung blabbing, nagging at iba pang non-sense manifestation of tantrums, that is what we call... tan-ta-na-nan! - indulgence. yes. indulgence. minsan kasi ang mga tao nagagalit para lang magpapansin, hindi naman talaga masama ang magalit. it's in the nature of all animals, of all creations, cgruo kahit halaman kapag pinitasan mo ng dahon ng wala namang dahilan magagalit din dba?

alam mo kung ano ang masama? ung mga ginagawa, when anger is put into actions, particularly destructive ones, like hurtful words, wrong accusations and most often, violence. at ewan ko ba, minsan ung ibang tao, feeling proud pa sila to say na "galit ako", "wag mo kong kakausapin kundi naku". which they should really be ashamed of, i mean, sino ba tataas blood pressure? sino ba ang namumula ang ilong sa galit? sino ba ang nahihirapang huminga? isa pa, pride is one of the seven deadly sins. the deadliest as far as i know coz it's the one least detected.

o cge, given na ayaw mag-sorry, shempre naman matatakot magsorry ung taong nagkasala sayo kung nagwawala ka. baka nga naman hampasin mo ng kahit na anong makita mo dba? kaya nga suggested ung 15 minute break e, for the good of all. just try it, hindi naman kasi porke sinabi na 15 minutes, hindi ka na magagalit, shempre andun pa rin un pero the 15 minutes serves as the space for u to think, kasi walang taong galit na matino mag-isip.

on the other hand, kung hindi rin naman bukal sa loob mo ang forgiveness, forget it. mas mabuti nang magpaka-totoo, mas okey makipagbati after a year of cold-war kesa naman sa makikipag-ayos ka nga after 15 minutes, only to keep hidden grudges and making it grow. sabi nga nila, you reap what you sow.

† low marketability analysis †

2005-09-29T19:33:00.000+08:00

tinatamad na akong mag-isip. kaya whatever goes na lang ilalagay ko dito. wahehehe... okay.. sawa na ako sa drama. haha! bwahahaha! gwhark. *ehem*

so eto na. ang mga possible reasons why i remain as single as a singular noun.

01: i don't go to crowded places.

clue: malate, libis and such places where singles and flirts dwell.

basta. hindi naman sa pagiging narrowminded, pero i do believe na someone you meet at a bookstore will always be better than someone you meet at a club. isa pa, i don't know. i feel out-of-place when i'm there. ayoko kasi mausok, (i don't smoke) and basta. maybe i'm being judgemental again, haha... been there twice or thrice pero i'm still not conformed to the norms there.

02: i'm not a street rat in general.

clue: once palang ako nag-LRT mag-isa and i've never been to gateway.

yap. hindi ako kagaya ni Aladdin na laging nasa kalsada. hindi rin ako mahilig sa malls. actually sm manila lang ako madalas kasi lagi kong dinadaanan to and from school. haha! isa pa, ayokong umaalis mag-isa, and since si bespren dino ay nasa cavite na kaya bihira na kami magkita. sha lang naman madalas kong kasama sa mga lakwatsahan e. ayun.

03: i'm not sociable in nature.
clue: i seldom talk at first encounters.

uu. di lang halata. though madaldal ako dito sa blog, at sa personal din, i only blabber exclusively to my classmates and close friends. (abangan nyo ko sa seminar ng chd kasi host kami ni noemi!) actually, napagkakamalan akong matalino, insightful daw and such, though in reality e madaldal lang talaga ako at mejo may komento ako sa lahat ng bagay, kung panget, maganda, and all those in between. un nga lang, i'm not as confident as i am in class when meeting new people and when i'm in a new environment. i tend to shut myself up like a clam.

04: i'm always broke.
clue: 7 hash = one week.

yefyef. read it ryt. so on the average one hash lang baon ko per day. buti na lang i seldom go out during weekends. and another thing, 1:00pm usual first period classes ko, so i eat lunch na lang sa bahay namen. ayun, i have a hundred and one reasons to ask for a raise kaso i think i'd be asking too much. kasi it suffices naman for my needs. may sobra pa nga paminsan e. matakaw lang kasi talaga ako. nagtataka nga ako e, kasi hindi talaga ako tumataba. haha! i'm physically blessed. ayun. kaya, no money no honey. no cash, no date. gets? kaya no bf-gf relationships cguro muna. unless anak sha ni Bill Gates.

05: i'm an idealist.
clue: gusto ko sweet. (john lapuz is an exception)

shempre. lahat naman tayo may certain standards na isine-set for someone to be with ayt? okay. hindi naman ako demanding, masaya na ako sa weekly meet-ups, dinner, movies, actually hindi naman me movie buff, di nga me nanonood ng sine unless may nag-aya, un. gusto ko, ung cute shempre, at ayoko sa maarte. gusto ko ung kaya mag c.r. mag-isa, hindi takot sa dilim, hindi takot sa ipis, hindi takot sa daga, at may sensitive na sense of humor. gusto ko rin ung nakakausap ko, i mean brain-wise, ung usap naman na may laman. kung mejo tatanga-tanga kasi okay lang, kaso tanga na nga ako papatol pa ako sa tanga dba? gusto ko din ung accomodating sa shortcomings gaya ko, kasi i always give spaces for faults, nobody's perfect naman kasi. but at least, i want to see him/her try to make things up for me.

† 50 first dates †

2005-06-24T13:56:00.000+08:00

napanood mo na ba yung movie na 50 first dates? ung kay drew barrymore at adam sandler. i did. and i loved it. un nga lang, akala ko romantic-comedy un, pero nalungkot ako. i pity the girl in the movie. kasi, it's like the girl's memory for a day's duration is erased every time she sleeps, 'coz she went through an accident which has damaged her brain, so her brain could not process new information. kaya for her, hindi nagbabago ung date. everyday for her is a deja vu except that she doesn't know a thing at all. like for example if the accident happened on april 6, everyday of her life will be april 6th for her. and they can't tell her what has happened kasi mixed emotions ung mararamdaman n'ya dba? at kahit sabihin sa kanya, malilimutan nya rin kinabukasan.

Drew Barrymore as Lucy, 50 first dates.

there's even the part where, they (she and adam) first kissed, and she said, "nothing beats the first kiss.". it's supposed to be funny 'coz she's like saying it everyday, but i feel sad for her, because a first kiss is supposed to be remembered. mahirap din sa part nung guy. kasi isipin mo naman dba, he has to win Lucy's heart everyday of his life.

but i honestly envy her. coz, at least she forgets...

san ba nakakabili ng "selective amnesia"? i think i badly need one. better yet, kailangan kong mamakyaw. =(

***

by the way, my nabasa akong text, and it goes like this:

"someone told me that when i was young, i was asked either to have my memory erased or to have you in my life, from then on i can't remember anything, and that explains why."

† a free writing †

2005-06-23T15:02:00.000+08:00

free writing. walang pause. walang edit. walang utak na ginamit. this is what i feel ryt now. without fancy words, without inhibitions.

time started- 3:27 pm

nalulungkot ako. hindi ko alam kung bakit? ewan ko ba, naiinis ako na nalulungkot na sa totoo lang e wala naman talaga akong nararamdaman. i'm as empty as the sahara dessert. may tutubong cactus, magkakabuhay, magkakaflower, tapos mamamatay. naghahanap ako ng oasis pero wala akong makita. i'm all dried up. i'm so empty. why can't someone fill me up? and be the snow in my sahara. the kind which is perpetual and never ending. i'm so tired of waiting. i don't even know if there's something that i'm waiting for or it's that something which is waiting for me. i'm like a sad smiley. sa pangalan lng smiley, pero sa totoo lang e malungkot. bakit ako ganito ngaun? hindi naman ako ganito dati. naiinis ako. nami-miss ko na ung dating ako. ung ako na nagmo-mall mag-isa ng masaya. ung ako na nakakalakad ng walang kasama pero ok lang sakin. ung ako na walang pakelam sa mundo. ung ako na bihirang malungkot. ung ako na bihirang mag-isip. ung ako na lakad lang ng lakad at kadalasang nauuna sa mga kasabayan ko. i miss the old me. at anu tawag dito? bakit ako nagdradrama? wahekhek... maderpaker talaga. shet... magpapakamatay na ba ako after this? this seems like a suicide note for me. basta. this only boils down to one thing. nalulungkot ako. pero ano nga kaya ang dahilan? hindi ko alam. lahat ng nararamdaman ko ngayon umiikot sa salitang "cguro". cguro kasi mahal na mahal and when i say mahal it means "mahal" ko pa c yoh and i'm unrequited. cguro kasi hindi ko sya napasaya and i feel bad kasi nasayang lang ung oras nya saken. cguro kasi my confidence and faith was crushed and was buried 6 feet under. cguro kasi wala akong mapagsabihan. cguro kasi alam kong walang makaka-intindi sakin. gosh.. paalam.. premonition na yata ito na mamatay na ako? dba mga naa-aksidente nag-gaganito muna of some sort... nakakainis talaga. naawa ako sa sarili ko dahil ngayon ko nari-realize na maraming kulang sakin. sobrang dami na walang makakadama ng existence ko kahit mawala ako. i used to think i could create a butterfly effect*, pero tingin ko i don't even amount to a single flap of a butterfly's wings. i'm a trash. i'm no one. i'm not anything special. i'm not different either. i don't want to be different and i hate those people who flaunt that they are different and because of that they're astig and us common people are "kawawa". real shit. plastic. i'm just me. and i'm sorry for being me. i met someone i thought was perfect for me, loved in a perfect way, loved in a perfect time... but now we're perfect strangers. because to him i'm not perfect. and i wasn't being close to being one. but why does everything that ends has to start if it will eventually die?

*butterfly effect - a belief that "a single flap of a butterfly's wings would be enough to create a hurricane to the other side of the earth". it's like a "one thing leads to another thing". a theory that evrything is interrelated so if u change a small detail it will leave a big impact after a period of time.

time finished- 3:38pm

please bear with me. i hate drama queens and kings. i guess i'm one of them now. i belong.

ü my first fanmail ü

2005-06-20T19:03:00.000+08:00

who would've thought? may fanmail akong natanggap from friendster! hehehe... pano n'ya kaya ako nalocate? thru my name? thru my e-mail add? panu n'ya naman nakuha? hehehe...

ewan ko ba... i never thought of myself as someone who should be heard or seen. although it would be nice to be treated like that. i don't know much, and i'm not much of a pretty sight either. pero sabi nga nila:

men fall in love through their eyes;

women through their ears...

so would that explain why karamihan sa magagandang babae ay may pangit na boyfriend? at karamihan sa matatalinong lalaki ay mga uto-utong girlfriend?

i guess not; i hope not...

naku nalilito na ako... nawawalan na ng consistency at coherence ang aking entry na ito.. hehe.. anu nga ung kinekwento ko? fanmail.. cge na nga.. ito na..

Sender: Nakanafan

Date:
Saturday, June 18, 2005 2:35:00 AM

Subject: just curious…

hellow po! ako po ay isang malaking tagahanga ng iyong blogsite. Samakatunayan, lagi ko po itong binibisita. I admire you for how you look at things... Your blog is really a good read... I don't get tired of reading your posts nga eh, lahat po binasa ko.

Nkakaenjoy..

anyway, ang mysterious ng dating mo kaya pinagtyagaan pa kitang hanapin d2 sa friendster para lang makita kita.

uhm... im just curious... boy ka ba o girl? kasi sa blog mo, u keep on mentioning about your bf... and when i check naman your profile here sa frienster and sa blog. akalain mo, boy ka pla...

hindi ako chismosa. wala lang. just wanna know. kaya sana u can find time to reply d2...im really a big fan... i need to know...tnx a bunch!

end of message

---------------------------------------------------------------------

cno kaya itung bata na ito? mukhang napabayaan ng magulang nya.. ehehehe... pariwara na cguro sya? akalain mo, name ng friendster nya "nakanafan". as in. sheez! e madali pa naman akong ma-flatter... actually flat na ako ngaun. hehehe.. ayan tuloy gusto ko na tuloy siyang pakasalan! hehehe! joke lng! üü

----------------------------------------------------------------------

at ito po ang aking reply:

abnormal ka no? hehehe.. joke lng. di nga? lyk mo blog ko? thanks naman. well.. bout my gender, i'm a boy po... 18 pa lng me.. it may sound weird, pero i like both girls and guys. hmn... cguro in a 1:4 ratio. that's why i had a boyfriend. hehekhek... wakocoke... nakakatuwa ka naman... 'lam mo kasi... i think, and from what i've seen.. there are so many great bloggers sa mundo ng blogsites... at madalas.. i feel inferior to them because they speak their minds more articulately (may word bang articulately?) than me.. hekhek...

try mo din mag blog. malay mo dba? things could turn out vice-versa... malay mo i shud be the fan pala and u shud be the one whom i was supposed to look up to.. dba? dba? hehehe... love yah! post ko nga 'to sa blog ko. ayan... crush na yata kita... hehekk... wakocoke!

sometyms, it's really the small stuff that counts. thanks for making my day complete aside from making it happy.. mwahehehehe.. üü

ala ka ba friendster ung profile mo tlga? add kita.

***

writer's note:

sabi nga ni Sandara dati sa SCQ: "hi! i'm the weakest. so vote for me!"

saka:

"i want to say thank you to those people who like me and also to those who doesn't like me.".

*Sandara wave*

† second to the last drama †

2005-06-10T11:35:00.000+08:00

"mahal mo ba ako?"

maka-ilang beses ko na rin 'tong itinanong sayo. maraming beses mo na rin akong sinagot ng "oo", "siguro", "sigurado", "ewan" at "hindi". nakakalitong isipin kung bakit sa iisang tanong ay higit sa isa ang maari kong makuhang sagot pero nakakaaliw din na mas madalas kesa minsan, hindi ko inaasahan ang mga naririnig ko. ngayon kaya, ano ang isasagot mo?

sh*t! f*ck! past tense na nga pala at hindi present tense ng salitang "mahal" ang dapat gamitin. haay... pinagtaksilan na naman ako ng aking subconscious. nabubuko tuloy na ako ay isa't kalahating asa. but i can't blame you if you can't answer my question now as fast as definite answers should come out, because different people have different views on love. most people think that love is abstract, and maybe, it's the same reason why you left, because we can't see love from the same perspective. i was here and you were there. i was willing to meet you halfway but you ran away. i tried to catch up, only to find out you were running for someone else din pala.

"minahal mo ba ako?"

sinubukan kong pigilan ang sarili ko na magtanong. pinilit kong hanapin ang kasagutan ng ako lang mag-isa, pero ikaw lang talaga ang makakasagot n'yan.

pero kung ako ang masusunod...

sana hindi mo ako minahal. sana niloko mo na lang ako. sana laro lang ang lahat para sa'yo. kasi kung minahal mo 'ko, ayoko nang magmahal ulet. napakawalang-kwenta pala ng pagmamahal na 'yan. isa lang palang "commercial conspiracy" ang love para bumenta ang chocolates, flowers at stuffed toys tuwing Valentines. kung minahal mo ko, ang love pala parang buhay ni Juday sa "Mara Clara", ung tipong mas marami ang lungkot kesa sa saya, ang luha kesa sa tawa. kung minahal mo ko, masisira ang balanse ng mundo. kung minahal mo 'ko mas mangingibabaw ang yin kesa sa yang. kung minahal mo 'ko, may mga demonyo sa langit, may mga anghel sa impyerno at ako ay kasalukuyang nasa purgatoryo.

sana talaga hindi mo 'ko minahal. sana yang ang sagot sa napaka-kulit kong tanong. hindi iyon dahil sa galit ako sayo o sa nangyari sa'tin, kundi dahil sa gusto ko pang mahalin mo ayon sa alam kong dapat na kahulugan nito. ayon sa pagmamahal na alam kong deserving ako. gusto kong mahalin mo ko bilang ako lang at hindi bilang panakip-butas sa isang "tragic" na nakaraan. gusto ko pang maramdaman kung ano man ung gusto mong ipadama sa taong "tanga" na pinagsasayangan mo ng luha mo...

"mamahalin mo pa ba ako?"

alam kong hindi na. hindi lang hindi kundi "hinding-hindi." but i guess you should. 'cause you still haven't given me what i deserve.. i deserve to be loved to it's fullest meaning and deepest core. gaya ng pagmamahal ko sa'yo.

***
writer's note.
hindi ko po ginamit ang salitang "pag-ibig" dahil ako po ay nakokornihan sa salitang iyon. saka ko na gagamitin iyo pag may asawa na ako at nasa tamang edad. ito po ay ginawa ko nung bakasyon dahil laging walang ilaw samen at walang ibang mapaglibangan kundi ang magmukmok at magmuni-muni. parang ganito. muni muni muni muni muni muni muni muni muni muni muni muni... at magmuni-muni pa ulet. üü

† masarap pala ang shopao †

2005-06-09T12:13:00.000+08:00

"What uniform should I wear to hide my heavy heart? I'm afraid it is too heavy. It will always show." -Jean Cocteau

kasalukuyan akong nanonood ng VH1 specials sa MTV channel 41 nung may nakita akong isang hindi sikat na kanta at yan ang bungad na quotation. kung di ako nagkakamali ang pamagat ng kanta ay "is it wicked not to care?" na mula sa isang hindi sikat na mang-aawit. (di sikat kasi di ko kilala. wakocoke!) sabagay, puro na kasi vintage videos ung nasa VH1 e. wala lang natuwa lang ako sa kanya. (sa quotation) at aaminin ko po, sa sobrang ka-senti-han ako po ay naiyak. wakocoke. at si-nave ko sa aking cellphone ang quotation na aking nabasa. why? coz i can relate. wakocoke!

nga pala. break na cna mark herras at jennylyn mercado nung june 2, at anniv nila nung april 29. buti nga! bwahahaha.. di joke lng. pakelam ko ba sa kanila?

first tym ko kumain ng shopao o siopao ngayong june 9. ewan ko ba. hindi kasi ako kumakain ng shopao. nung una akong nakakita ng shopao na-weird-uhan ako kasi isipin mo un? isang manamis-namis at puting-puting tinapay na may palamang ulam sa loob. *yuck* paborito ng mga kabarkada ko ang shopao, at paminsan tinatawag nila akong "tanga" at "maarte" dahil sa hindi ko pagkain nito.

dno: "niel gusto mo ng shopao?"

me: "ayoko e! di ako kumakain nyan. iew!"

dno: "tanga ka? ang arte-arte mo. ang sarap sarap nito e."

me: "kinakain ko lng jan ung puting part. ung tinapay. un na lng penge pakurot."

dno: "eeh! wag na"

me: "damot... di wag! hmpf!!"

ganyan ang madalas na usapan namen ng aking kabesprenan tungkol sa shopao. at biglang bigla, nung june 9 naisip ko lahat ng shopao na nakita ko, at nagsisi ako dahil di ko kinain ang mga shopao na inalok sa akin nung mga nakaraang bahagi ng buhay ko. sa totoo lang naisip ko, ano naman ang weird sa tinapay na may ulam sa loob? dba? dba? at bigla ako ay nagutom.

sa isang banda, maaaring psychologically benefitting ang pagkain ko ng shopao. dba? parang it's sorta kinda way of moving on. kasi i did something i don't usually do, or in my case, i ate something i don't usually eat. and sabi nila, when most people do that, they're on their way to moving on...

well... sana nga... basta ang masasabi ko lang...

"masarap pala ang shopao!"

***

writer's note:

kung kakilala n'yo c jennylyn mercado paki-sabi kumain sya ng shopao at gagaan ang kanyang pakiramdam. panigurado kahit saglit uurong ang mga nag-babadyang luha at malilimutan nya saglit c mark herras.

† ang tattoo ni nanay †

2005-06-08T16:50:00.000+08:00

nung bata pa ako*, madalas kong tanungin ang nanay ko:

"nay, bakit ang tawag ng mga kaklase ko sa nanay nila 'mama' ako tawag ko sayo 'nanay'?"

bata pa ako, i know i have this cute way of saying/asking things in a better, subtler way, and as for this question, i knew what i really meant was "mahirap lang ba tayo?". kasi naman napaka ambitious ng parents ko, sa montessori ba naman ako pinag-nursery? e mga sosyalin mga classmates ko dun... kaya ganun.. mejo culture shock ako.. kasi at a young age nagmumurahan** na sila. hehe.. ako nga "pepe" lng at "etits" di ko pa kayang sabihin that time.

sabi naman ng "nanay" ko:

"love***, ang 'mama' kasi, yun ang kastila ng 'mommy' at dahil wala tayong influence ng pagka-kastila e 'nanay' na itinawag mo sakin kasi diba dun ka na nasanay? at saka iyon din ang naririnig mo sa mga tita mo diba?"

and for that i knew she meant: "anak, di tayo mahirap, and even if we are, it's not something to be ashamed of kasi we love each other and it's all that matters. tama ba?"

and from then on, i don't feel anything weird anymore kapag nagkwekwentuhan kami ng classmates ko, when i'm referring to my mom, i say "nanay ko kasi ano e... blah blah blah..." and when referring to their mom "musta na mama mo an so on and so forth". it makes me feel proud na mahal ako ng "nanay" ko kumpara sa mga "mommy", "mama", "mamu", "mamita", "mudra" and in some cases "maderpaker" ng ibang anak jan na sa tawagan lang maganda pero hindi marunong magmahal at mag-alaga ng anak.

and just this vacation... my "nanay" had once again proven to me that she loves me more than herself...

ayun... isang umaga... ginising nya ako...

"anak, gumising ka na tanghali na! aba't ala-una na ng tanghali, ang init-init na di ka pa rin gumigising. parang c kuya germs ka na ah 'walang... GISINGAN'!! tumayo ka na dyan at may kape ka na sa lamesa, bilis at ililigpit ko na 'tong hinigaan mo."

like the usual moms, she's one hell of a nagger... mana nga ako jan e.. heheheh!

so ayun.. tumayo na ako dahil gustuhin ko mang mas matulog pa dahil alas-kwatro na ko nakakatulog nung bakasyon e hindi ko na magawa dahil sa ina-armalite na ako ni nanay sa kanyang mga sermon or kung sermon nga ba iyon. nagpunta ako sa lamesa. nakabusangot ang mukha at nakapangalum-baba. yun bang tipong parang nalugi sa negosyo.

and she's like "o ba't lukot mukha mo?"

gusto ko sanang sabihin.. "kasi wala na kami, at nalulungkot ako kasi mahal ko pa sya. hanggang kelan ako malulungkot? 'nay ganun ba talaga?".

pero ang sinabi ko.. "wala lng. naiinis ako e. kaw kasi eh. ang ingay-ingay mo, sana pinatulog mo pa ako ng mas mahaba-haba..". i said this flatly in a raspy voice. as if i'm a zombie na wala pang tulog. hindi nmn galit yung intonation ko, mejo annoyed lang.

sabi nya.."kasi naman, oras na ng tanghalian nag-a-almusal ka pa lng? mamaya ka na lng matulog pagkatapos ng tanghalian, mamayang hapon. pupunta ako sa palengke, 'kaw muna maiwan dito.". habang sinasabi nya yun nakatingin syang maigi sa'ken.

alam ko naman nahahalata nyang may problema ako, na magulo isip ko, na paminsan hindi lang puyat ang dahilan ng pamumula ng mata ko sa umaga. pero hindi nya ako tinatanong. dahil alam nyang hindi ko rin naman planong sabihin. cguro nga totoo, na walang makakatalo sa bonding ng isang ina at kanyang anak... na ang kanilang katahimikan ay higit pa sa masalita at showy na pagpapakita ng pagmamahal sa isa't-isa.

as usual, sumasagot sya ng crossword puzzle ng isang local tabloid while i was drinking my coffee na tinimpla nya. she asked me 'bout some questions there like ano ang element symbol ng kung anik-anik sa periodic table of elements o kung ano ang capital ng ganitong bansa or kung ano ang surname ng isang american actor. ung mga tanong na madalas makita sa crossword puzzle. at since magkausap na kami, at pupunta na rin naman sya sa palengke, at di ko alam ang ibang sagot sa puzzle, hiniram ko na lng ang bolpen nya at nag-doodle sa tabloid.

"o bago lang 'yan, bababuyin mo na naman!"

"asus! para ito lng eh... kala ko ba mamamalengke ka na? go na! gutom na 'ko. hehehe.."

"saglit lang, huhugasan ko muna ung pinag-kainan mo, iiwan mo lng dito eh baka daga-in."

"bat naka sleeveless ka? 'kala mo sexy ka? hehehe.."

"bilisan mo na kumain."

"patingin nga ng braso mo."

"o anung gagawin mo?"

"magdro-drawing ako..."

"ano na naman yan?.."

"saglit lang.. wag ka malikot."

ayun... at nagdrowing ako ng flower sa braso nya. mga singlaki ng santan. gamit ung panda bolpen na kulay blue... cguro alam nya na nalulungkot ako, kaya hinahayaan nya ako mag-trip hoping na kahit papa'no e mapasaya nya ako...

"anu yan?" *sabay pahid sa tinta ng drowing ko*

"bulaklak, uy ano ba? wag mo burahin. pag binura mo yan wala kang kwentang nanay! hehehe"

"tapos ka na ba? aalis na ako"

"ayan. pede na ba 'kong tattoo artist? cge alis ka na... matutulog ulet ako. wag mo buburahin yan ha?"

ayun, umakyat na ako ulet, at nagpunta na sya sa palengke...

pagkagising ko, dala na nya ung mga napamalengke nya at may bonus pang mais, na alam nyang paborito ko bago mag-lunch.

umalis sya at umuwi nang may drowing ng flower sa kanyang braso...

"ang nanay ko talaga...

parang ako...

parang tanga...

hekhekhek..."

----------------------------------------------------------------------

writer's footnotes:

nung bata pa ako* (around kindergarnish or so)

nagmumurahan sila** (ex: hoy bata! puki nang ina mo!)

love*** (she pronounces it as lab, kulet 'no? that's how she and my father calls me before i went to high school)

b-day nya nung june 3. di ko nabati, nalimutan ko e. alam ko na june 3 birthday nya, pero nalimutan ko na june 3 pala nung araw na yun. nung araw ng june 3. june 6 na nung na-realize ko. sensha na senyo. hehehe... love ko naman sya e. saka di sya nagalit 'no?

† class sched †

2005-06-07T21:51:00.000+08:00

i was thinking of having a part-time job, but i'd have to try my class schedule first if things could fit in. i don't want to be serving two masters at the same time. wakokok... ung mga gusto akong i-date jan.. ayan.. wakokok... feel free to ask me out. ü

Schedule for 1st Semester of Junior Year, S.Y. 2005 - 2006

MONDAYS:
Asian Civilization 1:00-2:30PM AVA-4
Social and Political Theories and Movements 2:30-4:00PM AVA-5

TUESDAYS:
Foundations of Education I 1:00-2:30PM AVA-4
Rural and Urban Sociology 2:30-4:00PM AVA-4
Curriculum Development 5:30-8:30PM AVA-4

WEDNESDAYS:
Foundations of Education II 11:30-2:30PM AVA-1
World Geography 2:30-5:30PM AVA-1

THURSDAYS:
Asian Civilization 1:00-2:30PM AVA-4
Social and Political Theories and Movements 2:30-4:00PM AVA-5

FRIDAYS:
Foundations of Education I 1:00-2:30PM AVA-4
Rural and Urban Sociology 2:30-4:00PM AVA-4
Educational Evaluation 5:30-8:30PM AVA-4

ako po ay may cellphone na ulet. wakokokok... i'll post my number later. bibili pa lng kasi me ng sim. because i'm always broke, sun cel sim na lng cguro bibilin ko para unlimited. text me ok? luv yah!

† a three (3.00) †

2005-06-01T23:14:00.000+08:00

A Three (3.00)

by: Mrs. Isabel Lucas* & Ms. Nemia Dacumos**

I think that I shall never see

A grade as lovely as a three

1.00 - 1.25

A three that’s earned with blood and sweat

When failing is a serious threat

1.50 - 1.75

A three I’ve asked for God all day

Knowing praying is the only way

2.00 - 2.25

Exams are taken by fools like me,

But only God can give a three.

2.50 - 2.75

pakshet! kainggit! buti sana kung tres na lang at hindi singko binigay sakin nung teachers ko sa Algebra* at Chemistry** way back when I was still a freshman. kasi naman i really suck at numbers. ung sa algebra feeling ko deserve ko bumagsak, kasi magaling magturo si mam lucas, bobo lang talaga ako, pero ung sa chem, hindi lang talaga magaling magturo si mam dacumos at bukod sa wala syang motivation e lagi pa syang nagagalit samin dahil cguro sa kanyang post-menopausal period. saka pag nagsusumigaw sya para siyang c mariah carey, medyo namamaos yun nga lang may halong talsik ng laway yung sigaw niya. naiinis pa ako kasi sabi niya nung "light and laser" yung topic namen "ask me anything about our topic.", so ako naman i asked her "mam, why does the rainbow lie on an arch?" and sabi niya naman. "di ko alam e. kayo alam nyo?". gusto ko sanang sabihin "ako alam ko, ba't ikaw di mo alam?" e kasi naman i just want to know that i knew something in her field of knowledge na hindi nya alam, kasi naman feeling ko she's already prepared to flunk me with around 15 of my classmates. at least ako alam ko ung sagot dun sa tanong. thanks to reader's digest. hehehehe.. so i took summer classes because of the sinister spinster. at akalain mo yun! i got 2.25, dalawa lang kaming naka- 2.25 sa chemistry summer class namen out of 50 students. hehehehe.. so ang ranking ko is either highest or second to the highest. so i could say that i'm not that much of an intellectually challenged moron. i'm just plain L-A-Z-Y. salamat din sa magaling naming teacher nung summer class, i just forgot her name. sya kasi ung tipong hindi maramot sa pag-ngiti e. she's really nice and i like her. it makes her a pretty sight.

ung sa algeb ko naman. okay lang, natuwa pa nga ako kay mam lucas kasi before the deliberation of our grades sabi nya, "ipinagdasal ko muna itong desisyon ko, kung ibabagsak ba kayo o hindi dahil alam ko, somehow, it will affect ur life. ipinagdasal ko rin na sana sa mga babagsak, maintindihan kayo ng mga magulang nyo. alam ko ang posible nilang maramdaman dahil nanay din ako.".

o diba ang drama. sabi ko nga, sana sumulat ka na lang sa "magpakailanman" o kaya sa "maalala mo kaya". pero na-appreciate ko talaga yun, i was even smiling when i saw the 5.00 encircled in my classcard. i'm such a freakin loser in numbers. if numbers were food i'd starve to death.

whenever i see mam lucas sa campus, it's either nag-smile ako kapag wala nang matakbuhan pero walang plasticity ung smile ko ha? nahihiya lang ako kaya kung may matatakbuhan naman e nagtatago ako madalas, kasi naman out of five long quizzes, 50 item tests nya highest ko na yata is 14. i even got zero sa dalawang tests. kaya nakakahiya. hehehe..

pero balang araw, pag nakasalubong ko si mam dacumos, makakaganti rin ako. pag established na ako sa pagiging teacher. sasabihin ko sa kanya:

"ANEMIA? ANEMIA DACUMOS? ung teacher ko sa CHEMISTRY? ma'am ANEMIA ikaw nga! musta ka na? Pakshet ang tagal na nating hindi nagkita ah!" üü

01: top 5 people i don't want to have anything to do with.

2005-05-30T19:46:00.000+08:00

since i don't have any nice things to say, or i'm tired of thinking about anything to put in this stupid blog. i'll be doing this Top 5 thingies every now and then..

ung mga nakalagay dito, i'm not actually hating them, it's just that i'm not comfortable being with them for some reasons na nakalagay or hindi dito sa entry. got it?

PINK 5: Rizza (the pucca girl)

oh no! don't get me wrong please. i don't hate her ok? in fact, i used to like her. "used to..." her mom is really a nice lady. you see, she was my ex's bestfriend and sometimes she can really get a little pesky. talk about obssessive compulsiveness. i remember one tym at the mall when my ex promised me he'd take me to a movie when this girl showed up and in a whiny, authoritative voice, she muttered, "uy anniel sasamahan nya ako na maglunch ok lang?" (referring to my ex) and she turned to the guy and said, "sasamahan mo 'ko dba? dba!?..." (notice the exclamation point?)

okay, so u myt say that i over-reacted. you myt say that maybe she's just not comfortable with being alone. i guess not, because that time she's with two girlfriends and her suitor who, apparently became her bf. i mean... kulang pa ba c cielo, c jho at c elmer para samahan syang kumain? kailangan ba talagang kasama pa c yoh? and by the way she spoke, it's as if she wants only yoh and i'm not part of the package. she could've said "samahan NYO ako at hindi "sasamahan ako ni yoh!" if she also wanted me to come. ano gusto nya maiwan akong mag-isa?

and the silly guy said nothing. he's no good at saying "no!" except to me. i guess it was also my fault anyway, cause i didn't said anything too, hoping that somehow she'd feel an inch of "hiya" on her skin. (bye bye to the movies..) haay... 164th promise broken.

as i've said, i don't hate her, i just don't think we'd connect after things are over and done with. we're better off as strangers.

YELLOW 4: JC (the insecure classmate)

well, i don't have anything to say about this guy except that he's so grouchy and insecure. i don't know what's gotten into him but out of the cold war that we've waged between us, all of a sudden he kept on teasing me about someone. i mean, who is he anyways? we're not close. but i'm such a nice person, really i am, that's why i kept my killer line "kabiruan ba kita?" in my mind. fate brought him to be a groupmate on the values education subject that's why i have to endure his presence. the nerve of this guy, i remember he once told me "crush mo ko dba?" ow c'mon.. i have saner/cuter options than him ok?

a certain professor, told the class that we could ask this JC guy anything about English Grammar because he gave this JC a one, a flat one. it didn't intimidate me, not even a bit, cause when he handed me a script about the play we are to produce, there's around four or five grammatical errors, or wrong spellings per page in the manuscript. enuff said. i wanted to proofread it, but of course i don't want his ego to crash 6 feet under the avanceña grounds.

BLUE 3: Yoseph (the eX-files)

hmn... nyahehehe.. i can't think of anything to say, actually, he's not here because i have a grudge on him or somethin, it's just that he makes me feel so damn confused on how to act when he's around. we're a-okay now, but for how long? will i be able to take it lightly if he has already found someone new? someone better than me? wakokok... could there really be someone better than me? (that's what u call conceit!)

after four months of a relationship with the guy, ending in a break-up shempre... i'm still emotionally attached and vulnerable to him. he has made me feel real sad when we broke up, and i cried him a river literally. huhuhuh... drama! it's not very often that i feel sad, or i feel empty, that's why i'm taking the shot at the real human existence. but it is gradually expiring already, anyways, it's not really very recent cause it's almost two months since we broke up or he broke up with me. i ain't even ashamed that he was the one who broke up. maybe because i know that it will be very seldom, in my life that i would be rejected that's why the masochist side of me is longing for heartbreak. yeah i love him still, once u've loved a person u'll be loving them ur entire life. it's just that it turns into a different level like into friendship or brotherly/sisterly affection. (may word bang sisterly??) nyahahah!

i'm missing him already, i'm anticipating to seeing him again this schoolyear. but i don't feel like talking to him like we're bestfriends. all i can say is, what's fun is fun, and what's done is done. he said he'd want to be friends with me agen, wakokok.. bahala sya. ü he's always welcome to do and say anything he wants.

GREEN 2: Glen (the Bobo c0p)

what can i say? he's a dork. that's all. no one ever wants to come near him... he doesn't have bad odor (baktol) or anything it's just that his stupidity is contagious. good thing he's nice, or else wala nang natira sa kanya! ü i wish i could donate an ounce of neuron to his brain.

shhh... secret lng 'to ha? i think he's using "mena" (the weird cream) on his face. wakokok.. sshhh...

RED 1: Albert (the in-flesh version of Patrick the Starfish)

well, i remember one tym nung P.E. (swimming) namen, he took a dive and i pulled his pants down, and he was fuming mad he scratched me in my forehead, and of course, i wouldn't be me if i'm not into snapping back at him agen, and i spent the whole two hours chasing him in the pool to tear his trunks apart.

if you know him, u can see his resemblance to patrick the starfish. (spongebob.) talk about watery mouth and slow speaking manner. he has it all. (like patrick, he's gay) he used to be fat, (we we're schoolmates in highschool) but now even his cheeks we're bony. he underwent liposuction cguro.. nyahehehe.. pati sa mukha! hehe... pero okay yan c albert. sabi nga ni nicole richie at paris hilton "he's hot!"

we barely talk, and i know i'm not a nominee for his bestfriend. but i'm not an enemy either, because we're clasmates, and i should behave at school shempre.

† jopay... miss na kita †

2005-05-09T19:33:00.000+08:00

Jopay, kamusta ka na?

Palagi kitang pinapanood at nakikita.

Jopay, pasensya ka na.

Wala rin kasi akong makausap at kasama.

'Wag ka ng mawala 2x

Ngayon...

Dadalhin kita sa aming bahay,

'Di tayo magaaway,

Aalis tayo sa tunay na mundo...

alam mo yan? Jopay by Mayonnaise... tuwang tuwa ako sa kanta na yan e... saka sa vocalist... wala lang.. para kasi syang c reuben studdard. saka it's a happy song dba? i mean, who wouldn't like jopay? sa sexbomb dancers nga siya favorite ko e... ala lng. alam mo un.. kainggit sya.. kasi happy ung kwento nya. ala lng.. buti pa sya.. masaya...

eto pa isang fave ko.. Turon by Kamikazee.

Kumuha ng saba, balatan mo ng maigi

Hiwain sa gitna(sa pamamagitan ng kutsilyo)

Ipatong sa pambalot(ilagay sa bandang dulo)

Ikaw na ang bahala ng magpasok ng alinyado

Huwag kalimutan ang langka

Irolyo ng maayos(hanggang sa kabilang dulo)

Ikaw na ang bahala kung nakabukas o selyado

Painitin ang mantika sa naglalagablab na kawali

Isunod mo ang asukal(hintayin itong matunaw)

Kapag ito'y nangyari, ilusong na ang pinaghirapan

Haluin dahan-dahan hanggang ito'y maging medyo brown

Iahon mo na(yeah!!nasusunog) ang turon

Anong maling ginawa mo nasunog ang turon!?

Iahon mo na(yeah!!nasusunog)

Iahon mo nanasunog ang turon

Nasunog lang... nasayng ang turon

Nasunog lang ang turon...

o dba? ang saya saya ng kanta... lolz.. hehehe.. ala lng.. nakakatuwa dba? download mo.. matutuwa ako sa'yo. hehe.. try mo rin ung chinelas.. nakakatuwa din.. cge gunbound muna ako! double hammer pa lng ako e..

† breakdown †

2005-04-24T19:05:00.000+08:00

hay... na e-LSS na ako sa breakdown ni mariah, sayang nga di ko pa kabisado ung rap part ng bone thugs e, feeling ko nga naiintindihan ko na rin yung emotional breakdown nya e. hihi.. c lola mariah talaga. tumatanda na kasi e, saka nalugi ung glitter dba? i'm not actually a fan, but i do respect her voice, (not her?) hehe.. basta ayun... saka okay naman kasi siya e, wag lang sya magmama-asim gaya ni madam awring. saka lam mo yung "crybaby"? di ko nga alam kung may video un o wala e, sabi ng mga barkada ko meron daw. i really like that song. ala lng. haay... cge kanta muna ako. habang wala pa akong maisip na matino para i-post e lyrics site muna 'tong blog ko. hihi. Ü

break break down still it breakin' me on down...

you called yesterday to basically say

that you care for me but that you're just not in love

immediately i pretended to be feeling similarily

and led you to believe i was o.k

to just walk away from the one thing

that's unyielding and sacred to me

well i guess i'm trying not to be nonchalant about it

and i'm going to extremes to prove i'm fine without you

but in reality i'm slowly losing my mind

underneath the guise of smile gradually i'm dying inside

friends ask me how i feel and i lie convincingly

cuz i don't want to reveal the fact that i'm suffering

so i wear my disguise 'til i go home at night

and i turn down all the lights and then i break down and cry

so what do you do when somebody you're so devoted to

suddenly just stops loving you?

and it seems they haven't got a clue

of the pain that rejection is putting you through

do you cling to your pride

and sing "i will survive"

do you lash out and say

"how dare you leave this way?"

do you hold on in vain

as they just slip away?

† coincidence? †

2005-04-17T20:03:00.000+08:00

hmn...
so many things have happened for a short span of time...
well, i don't know if its just coincidence, or maybe things really are falling in the right places for me, coz when my eX shut his door for me, someone opened the window, and it's a garden outside. lolz

i can't say i'm completely happy. miss ko pa rin c *labidabs. pero kumbaga sa sugat, wound scab na lang meron sakin. nyahahaha! thanks to my medic.

well, i met someone just recently, he's a nice guy, we're friends, and i'm not looking forward for us being more than that for now. saka, ala lng, basta. he's too ideal, sabi nga ni Pug sa "everything's eventual" ni stephen king, this is "eventual".

he's a rich kid. and he looks pretty fine, and he's really nice. we met sa mall, but friends na kami sa ym for a while. ayun. na share ko lang. basta... he's like an angel u know? i just hope he won't turn out as nasty sa lucifer. >=) bwahahaha

anyways... he called me kanina. isipin mo un.. may nagsasayang ng load nya for me. ala kasi me landlyn e. lolz. e aun, na text ko sya knina first thing in the morning, kasi tatlo lang naman ang cell# na ako ung nag input sa haushold cp, c jelz, c eX, saka c mr. naughtynicey.

ayun, tinext ko sya dba? den he replied if pede nya ako tawagan, then i said sure. tapos he called me up na agad. e kakagising ko lng, (1pm na po ako nagigicng tuwing bakasyon) kaya bedroom voice pa ako, parang malat na ganun. kakahiya tuloy. lolz.

so ayun.. we talked about things... small stuffs lng naman. kumustahan ganun, the usual "anu gawa mo?", "nung oras ka nagising?", and other silly stuffs na pang sayang lang ng load. feeling ko naman kasi wala lng talaga syang magawa or makausap in that sense. e since natutuwa sya sakin, (sabi nya ha?) kaya ako cguro tinawagan nya. saka balak nya cguro me gwaing payaso. lolz... tapos... tapos...

wala nang eggnog. tulog na tau! hehehe! ^__^

ewan ko ha.. pero here's the catch.. ito ung cnasabi kong coincidence... this song was being played sa background nya.. sa winamp cguro ng pc nya. notice the lyrics? para kasing ala lng. swak na swak.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Tell Me Where It Hurts - M.Y.M.P. (Make Your Mader Paker)

Why is that sad look in your eyes?
Why are you crying?
Tell me now, tell me now
Tell me, why you're feelin' this way
I hate to see you so down, oh baby!
Is it your heart?
Oh, that's breakin' all in pieces
Makin' you cry
Makin' you feel blue
Is there anything that I can do?

[CHORUS:]
Why don't you tell me where it hurts now, baby
And I'll do my best to make it better
Yes, I'll do my best to make the tears all go away
Just tell me where it hurts, now tell me
And I'll love you with a love so tender
Oh and if you let me stay,
I'll love all of the hurt away
Where are all those tears coming from?
Why are they falling?
Somebody, somebody,
somebody left your heart in the cold
You just need somebody to hold on, baby
Give me a chance
To put back all the pieces
Take hold of your heart
Make it just like new
There's so many things that I can do
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

nga pala.. we're playing ragnarok together. hihi.. he's an archer... and pag nag-second job na sya.. papakasal na kami. lam mo kasi dream ko un e, to get married, kasi lam ko dpaat ikakasal na ako e, i have planned it very well in my brain, kaso biglang ayaw na raw sakin nung bride/groom ko, *poof* "di na kita mahal e, sorry.." *poof*

saka anu, nga ba un... special thanks nga pala sa kanya, at sa globe G-cash. kasi bibigyan nya raw me load sa ragna through it. Galing talaga ng globe. commercial tag-line? Ü

haay... enuff said! pero basta... the thought of him makes me happy. kaso lang naisip ko... lahat naman ganyan sa cmula eh dba? dba darenot2fall? ^__^

† the happy trail †

2005-04-15T23:00:00.000+08:00

well... memories talaga.. they just show up at places u don't expect them to show up like ghosts. anyways, i was on my way to jelz place, where i'm actually am right now, when at Pritil market, the most beautiful and aromatic market i ever saw, (sarcastically) i took a glance on the other street. i was staring at it blankly, and when i asked myself why, maybe it's because i used to call that other side of the road "my happy trail".

it's the way that leads to my ex's house. well, our used to be "lovenest" as dino (my bestfriend) fetishly wants it to be called. haay... ala lng. seeing that road used to make me really excited as a kid who first saw a candy coated super-colorful lollipop, or a kid who first saw his father fuckin up their manicurist is a better way to put it. but all of those feelings were just unfamiliar to me now.

haay... [boysen acritext]

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

habambuhay ako sayo'y maghihintay

umaraw man o umulan, di sasablay

pintado sa aking puso...

pag-ibig na tunay...

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

how about this? [surf]

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

ma-luma man ang sabon

maong man ay may gasgas

ng dahil kay nanay

sa husay niyang magsampay

buhay ko'y nagkaroon ng

ku!...

salamat sa'yo nanay!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

ano kaya ang missing word? lolz.

haay.. i'm really feeling weird. hehehe. but at least i can laugh now. kasi may crush ako e. wak ka maingay ha? lolz. ^__^

bigyan ko kau piso pag nahulaan nyo missing word.

† letting go †

2005-04-11T23:22:00.000+08:00

ayun.. ang drama ba ng title. hay, mejo nahihilo me ngaun, c jelz kasi pina-shot ako ng gsm. basta.. ayun.. wala na kami. oks bang intro yan?

basta.. ayoko na magbigay ng details. i didn't know i would be saying this but maybe we're just not meant to be together, maybe just now, maybe for good...

i don't know exactly how i'm feeling ryt now. i went to his place, asked questions for answers that i thought i wanted to know. i was hurt shempre, who wouldn't be?

haay.. i wish letting go is as easy as playing ragnarok. since i have nothing to do this vacation, maybe i will be playing my account addictively. because i'm depressed? di naman. half of the credit belongs to it, but not wholely, <- may word bang "wholely"?

for now i won't be seeing anyone unlike what i've planned. i just can't let go of the things that have become "mine" so easily. i wish i could be like him, he has moved on even before a week has passed since we've parted. i can tell he doesn't love me anymore. kaya nga nakapag move on e! kulet ko ba? basta, i keep playin it on my mind, the way he said he doesn't love me anymore, for a chance that it will wake me up that things were just not the same between us.

haay... our "daughter" told me that letting go is a natural process. it is eventual, and may diagram pa nga daw iyon. it's like a sloping hill na dinadaanan ng mga tao/lovers/friends, at darating ang part na hindi na magiging sabay ang frequency ng paglakad nila, may mauuna at maiiwan. swerte ng mauuna, malas ng maiiwan.

*sigh*

sana ma miss nya ako...

sana pag nate-tempt sya magyosi maalala nya ko.
sana pag napadaan sya sa tokyo-tokyo maicp nya ako.
sana wala syang ibang dalhin sa fort santiago.
sana walang ibang hahawak sa lower chin nya.
sana wala na siyang makilala na nagne nail-bite ng sin-lala ko.
sana wala nang may ibang alam ng "groggy".
sana hindi nya ipahiram lahat ng binigay ko sa kanya.
sana pakinggan niya pa rin ung cd na bigay ko.
sana maintindihan nya ako kung di ko na siya makakausap ng matino.
sana wala nang magsabi sakin ng "hindi na kita mahal ok?" "hindi na!"
sana MAS walang magsabi sa kanya nun.
sana makalimot na ako, and friends na kami ulet.
sana wag niya akong makalimutan.
sana alam niya na i never thought about his weight or the oil in his face.
sana wag niya makalimutan ung pagsampal ko sa kanya madalas.
sana wag na niya makita ung ryt one na hinahanap nya.
sana maintindihan niya why i'm selfish.

lam n'yo 'to?

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
if i should love again
if i find someone new
it would be make believe
for in my heart it would be you
and though i hold him close
and want him now and then
i'd still be loving you
if i should love again
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

ay grabe! i'm so emo today! hahaha! ^__^

† missing rib †

2005-03-03T19:39:00.000+08:00

A girl in love asked her boyfriend...

"Tell me... who do you love most in this world?"

"You, of course!"

"In your heart, what am I to you?"

The boy thought for a moment and looked intensely in her eyes and said, "You are my rib. In the Bible, it was said that God saw that Adam was lonely, during his sleep; God took one of Adam's rib and created Eve. Every man has been searching for his missing rib, only when you find the woman of your life; you'll no longer feel the lingering ache in your heart."

After their wedding, the couple had a sweet and happy life for a while. However, the youthful couple began to drift apart due to the busy schedule of life and the never-ending worries of daily problems... their life became mundane. All the challenges posed by the harsh realities of life began to gnaw away their dreams and love for each other...

The couple began to have more quarrels and each quarrel became more heated.

One day, after the quarrel, the girl ran out of the house... At the opposite side of the road, she shouted, "You don't love me!" The boy hated her childishness and out of impulse, retorted, "Maybe, it was a mistake for us to be together! You were never my missing rib!"

Suddenly, she turned quiet and stood there for a long while... He regretted what he said but words spoken are like thrown away water, you can never take it back. With tears, she went home to pack her things and was determined in breaking-up.

Before she left the house, "If I'm really not your missing rib, please let me go...

She continued, "It is less painful this way... let us go on our separate ways and search for our own partners..."

Five years went by... He never remarried but he had tried to find out about her life indirectly... She had left the country and back... She had married a foreigner and divorced... He felt anguished that she never waited for him.

In the dark and lonely night, he lit his cigarette and felt the lingering ache in his heart. He couldn't bring himself to admit that he was missing her.

One day, they finally met.... At the airport, a place where there were many reunions and good-byes.... He was going away on a business trip. She was standing there alone, with just the security door separating them. She smiled at him gently.

"How are you?"

"I'm fine. How about you... Have you found your missing rib?"

"No."

"I'll be flying to New York in the next flight."
"I'll be back in 2 weeks time. Give me a call when you get back... You know my number..."

Nothing has changed. With a smile, she turned around and waved good-bye.. "Good-bye." One week later, he heard of her death. She had perished in New York. In the event that shocked the world... the World Trade Center incident.

Midnight... Once again, he lit his cigarette... And like before, he felt the lingering ache in his heart... He finally knew, she was the missing rib that he had carelessly broken.

Sometimes, people say things out of moments of fury... Most often than not, the outcome could be disastrous and detrimental... We went our frustrations 99% at our loved ones... And even though we know that we ought to "think twice and act wisely", it's often easier said than done.

Things happen each day, many of which are beyond our control. Let us treasure every moment and everyone in our lives. Tomorrow may never come; give and accept what you have today...

† archive †

2005-02-04T20:50:00.000+08:00

gosh.. i didn't know i'm so into love letters pala.. kasi while i was chekin my bf's friendster account.. especially the messages.. (for transparency daw, don't worry he knows my password too) i saw a message i sent him two months ago.. ayun.. ma-i-share ko lng.. eto na po! ang aking ka-corny-han! ehehe.. feel free to laugh out loud okay?

***
Wednesday, December 22, 2004 5:44:00 AM

Subject: ei.. minsanan lang 2!!

Message: ei.. it's not normal for me to be doing this but at least i want to try to pour out my feelings thru things like this na before e nakokornihan ako.. pero ganun talaga cguro if u luv a person unconsciously magbabago ka sa ayaw at sa gusto mo.. like now.. i guess i really love you na.. ung todo todo.. ung matindi.. di ko nga alam how you put my defenses down e kasi way back i promised myself na di ako magmamahal ng sobra sobra kasi nga i dont want to hurt myself and i dont want to be dubbed as a stupid person especially if the relationship goes wrong pero with you i wanted to give everything and i'm not afraid to try anything.. although may mga restrictions and rules akong sine-set i know ako rin naman sisira nun if it doesn't make you happy.. i hope you know that you're the only one and i hope the last one.. these past few days i can't get you out of my head and it's really freaky kasi nga i don't like these feelings alam mo naman ako ayaw na nasasaktan ayaw na nagmumukhang tanga di naman sa wala akong tiwala sayo kaya inaaway kita sa mga bagay bagay etc.. (textmates/mirc/friendster) pero kasi sa sarili ko ako walang tiwala kasi i don't know for how long i can maintain your happiness kasi i'm not as perfect as i percieve myself to be and feeling ko sa mga inuugali ko and thru my actions nakakasawa akong kasama. i really don't like being alone.. okay lang pero kasi parang inaalis mo na ung instinct ko ng independence. lam mo un ung parang masyado na me nasasanay na anjan ka kaya eto ako prang tanga nagiging paranoid na..di ka nmn kinukulang ng assurance e.. lam ko nmn na luv mo ko pero tlagang insecure lng ako.. saka isa pa happy ako kasi na-kilala kita saka di ka nag-give up agad like when i said "no" when u asked me kung pedeng maging tau.. saka natutuwa ako when u replied "okay lang.. i'll ask you the same question everyday and sana you'll say yes din".. nun ko na prove na ur really serious and now ako super serious na kaya eto nababaliw na yata ako naiinis nga ako sa mga taong ganito mag isip pero tingnan mo ko nagtataype pa ng mga kakornihan na ganito. haay.. masakit na fingers ko kata-type.. pero it all boils down to this lang naman e.. i love you so much and i'm so afraid to lose a very nice person like you. thanks for spending time with me nung night ng dec. 21. i wont forget that and definitely i wont forget you. mwah! luv you!! kaw lang talaga.. iyo lang ako saka akin ka lang.. sasaksakin ko mga e-epal.. mwah! miss you already. mwahuggz!

† hiatus †

2005-02-02T20:26:00.000+08:00

haay... ayun.. grabe it's been a while since my last post? january 24 ryt? all those dramas that made my life so miserable are still creating aftershocks. parang tsunami e 'no? anyways.. kami na ulet.. but i don't know if it's something to be happy about or not.. it's like he's getting colder and colder...since we've reconciled. i guess "love is lovelier the second time around" doesn't work out for me that well. i don't even know if it's me (my diffidence) or he's really changed. well... *sigh* i really don't have a clue.. it's like the lyrics of bamboo's song masaya is entwined with my current situation.. and don't forget to add my jealousy with his bestfriend.. i don't know.. maybe i just crave attention.. u know.. ADS.. (Attention Deficit Syndrome) or in laymen's term.. papansin. but i have my reasons.. and i know he has his too... we just don't have the common ground to settle our differences. and i hope we find one before it's too late.

=c

***

Bamb0o: Masaya

Tanong ko lang sa langit
Kung bakit pumangit
Ang dating masaya
Ngayo'y panay problema
Bumabalot sa mundo
O Bakit ganito...
Ang pag-ibig
Ganyan talaga
'Pag bago pa ang pag-ibig
Ganyan talaga, masaya...

† gone †

2005-01-19T22:43:00.000+08:00

Sorry if it took me some time to think-over the things that I told you a couple of hours ago. I guess love really makes people dumb… and I’ve been dumb for two months.

I know I cannot make you happy. I mean, I can but I ‘m afraid I can’t sustain the happiness you need for too long. Everything I can give you is limited, considering the kind of relationship that we’re in. I know one day you’ll wake up thinking that you wanted more, more than I could give, more than I could offer, more than I could handle, in a life that I can’t live. Do you remember the time when I told you that if ever I realized that I love you intensely, I would let go of you while I’m still able to? I’m so sorry but I think that realization came to me now. It’s sad to accept but I can feel that sooner or later, this letter would materialize either from me or from you and it’s better to do it now while I still have more nice thoughts of you rather than the not-so-nice ones.

Within a short span of two months, you have made me feel special which no one outside of my bloodline have ever done. When I’m with you I feel so secured, like there’s no existing death, time, or even deadlines at school. You are the first major decision in my life I stood up with. You’ve made every wrong decision I took in the past worthwhile because I couldn’t have met you if I took the right ones. I know it wouldn’t be easy to forget you even if I already have a family of my own, more so if I don’t. You’re the other missing half that made me whole.

I hope you won’t think I’m selfish because of this and I want you to fully understand that this was more of for you than for me. Please make things easier for us and if you do, I’ll be assuming that someday. Someplace, we’ll meet again and you’ll greet me with the “right one” by your side while saying “thanks” in the back of your head.

As for me, I’d still be wishing to be someone’s “right one” and if life won’t permit me to, I’ll be contented with the thought that one time; I met someone on earth who made it all worth it.

***
"A bird may love a fish... but where would they live?"
-Ever After (starring Drew Barrymore)

"Would the bird clip it's wings?"
"Would the fish risk it's fins?"

Simply, love can't change everything...

† i'm 18 †

2005-01-18T22:27:00.000+08:00

birthday ko ngayon. so what? wala lang. masaya pero hindi nagagalak. happy pero hindi glad. ehehehe.. di ko nga alam kung bakit e.. ano plano ko? shempre i will share it with the ones i love. pagkagising ko excited na akong tumingin sa salamin. wow! wala akong muta!! cguro nga ito ang sign na 18 na talaga ako.. sheez! kaya ayun.. nagmamadali akong naligo to fix myself for a new day.

grabe. late ako sa economics. ako pa naman ang magpapa quiz. ta's si sir dimalanta di dumating sa developmental reading. paker talaga!! nasayang lang ang oras ko. pero di ako magagalit. birthday ko kasi. actually nagtaka nga mama ko kasi di ako nagalit nung 500php lng binigay nya sakin na panlakwatsa for the day. i dont need much naman talaga. saka love ko mama ko. and i know malaki rin naman nagastos nila nung fiesta. ayun. saka wala naman talaga me plano na special. di naman kasi ako special e. onte lang nga nag-greet sakin through the day.

so ayun.. after my class e umalis na kami ni ***. he asked me where i want to go. i said wala akong pera so he can take me where his money could lead us to. but of course i was joking. we went to the mall. sm manila in particular. it was also our second monthsary, if there is such a word. i was half happy then. only to find the reason why i am/should be later that day. we talked about many things, some concerning us and some not concerning us while making up our minds which movie to watch. we decided to eat at kfc coz we're both hungry.

after eating at kfc, and watching "the national treasure" at the movies together, we decided to go home. while at the mall, walking our way out, i asked him if he loves me. he said yes. i was expecting the answer anyways, so i shrugged it off. then, on the way home, i asked him a different question, a question harder than the first one i asked.

"are you sure you love me? don't you think i'm just a diversion?"

"define diversion."

"diversion. hmn.. maybe you dont really love me. maybe you just need me because there's no one around, or you haven't found the right person for you, or maybe subconsciously you really like ????? and that you're frustrated because she's in love with someone else and you're just waiting for her to like you. and even if you don't like her, maybe you're still looking for someone else. and it would be convenient to have me around dba?"

"cguro nga.."

"cguro nga? that's all you can say? hmn.. bahala ka.. ey, one more thing; when you first said you love me, are you really sure you meant it?"

"i don't know. i'm still confused."

"you kept on asking me for a month to try a relationship with you. do you think, i was just playin hard to get for the whole time? i didn't. i was thinking if i'm the one you really need. i was thinking if it would be good for the both of us if i answer yes. i was thinking if i wouldn't be corrupting your mind if i do say yes."

"sorry but i'm still unsure."

"cge na uuwi na ako. bye... ingat ka."

"ingat ka. happy birthday."

i went home.. when everyone's asleep, i wrote something. i was really having a hard time writing because tears are forming behind my eyes, but i supressed it. i just hope i'm doing the right thing. It's my birthday anyways...

† reasons †

2005-01-14T18:47:00.001+08:00

I've always thought of myself as a strong person. I mean, I don't cry a lot and I'm proud of it. I can control my anger, and bottle up my feelings until I can shrug it off. I can always put up a smile even when I don't feel like it and I can easily laugh when I'm stuck in any uneasy situations. But I guess even steels rust, and that goes the same for me. I guess I'm not as confident as I think before about myself. Especially now when I have many things to rave about. Since I've been commited?.. and I found out it's not really all flowers and butterflies, or heaven and the stars, or sunset at the ocean. Sometimes, commitment can be a swarm of flies, or an unflushed toilet, or the polluted Manila skies. *sigh* eh sa ganun talaga.. I guess it's really that way, or meant to be that way. Particulary in the kind of relationship that I am in. I do expect more bullsh*ts than ice creams. That's why I'm fixing this blog. At least I can have a hideaway, or an outlet for my overwhelming feelings, or when I'm feeling insecured/jealous and I feel like cursing people. Feel free to check out my mga panlalait here oki?

Another thing, it's a new year. 2005. I'll be turning 18 this January 18, and if my laziness doesn't get into my nerves, this can be something I could look back to about five years from now. I usually laugh at my past u know? eheheh.. I also don't want my "writings" (short for -pieces of crap) left unseen by those people I want to be seeing it. Flattery easily sinks into my head so I guess it was more of a help for me if people say nice things about me rather than critique my writing skills.

Lastly, I want this blog to be a fragment of someone, like a reminder ya know? Look at Adam, Maroon5's vocalist. He did a lot of nice songs and compiled it into an album entitled "Songs About Jane". Who knows? This blog might be a source of songlyrics after me and my other half breaks-up. Or maybe not. wahehehe.. nice way of thinking nielz.. Ü